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Tomorrow we're going to look at the house my parents found to rent. I'm not ready. I found out they found a house the other day, in the same day I found out that school starts there the 25 of August. I wasn't ready for any of that information. I'm still not ready for it. But tomorrow I'm going to walk into that house and see nothing but empty space. Nothing more than that. When I walk into the house I live in now I don't see empty space, I see a home filled with memories: laughs and giggles. Tears and hugs. Friends and family. Everything I've ever wanted my home to be. But I guess eventually this new house will make up a home with all those things. I'll resist it for a while, but a life of solitude is a very lonely life. I'll make new friends and I'll get along just fine. I don't want to be fine though. I don't even want to be good, I want to be great. I want to feel the way I do now. Happy and content.
But I guess later in life I'll be happy and content again.
- Mood:
crushed - Music:Hey There Delilah by Plain White T's
- Mood:
confused
I was watching my parents today, trying to figure out what makes a marriage work, or theirs at least. I noticed quite a few things: my mom puts up with a lot that my dad doesn't notice, and my dad is just like any other guy- immature and annoying. My mom asked me to drive her and my dad to Wal-Mart and I asked her if he ever got annoying and he answered for her with, "I stay annoying," she laughed and said "Yep." I realized that you may not be able to take the person your with all the time, but that's where love comes in. When you love someone you commit to them. You don't just say it, you live it. You may not always love that person or have those butterflies but you realize that they're the only person you could ever see yourself with and that the times you do get butterflies from a kiss or a hug are what make everything worth it.
This is the first time I've ever been in love, or even thought about being "in" love. I only have a rough sketch of the future and what's going to happen, and the plans I'm making now will probably change over and over again. But, what surprises me is that I'm not scared of the unknown. I'm scared that later there wont be an "us." That he's going to fall in love with someone else and I'll just be a distant memory. I'm scared that the next time he sees me, after I move, that he wont want me. That I wont be what he used to think of me. That he'll see me differently and wonder what he could have ever saw in me. Later I want to still be in love with him and I want us to get back together and have a life together and I want us to be happy and have stupid fights and then apologize even though there really isn't anything to apologize for. I want what my parents have. They may not get along all the time but when they look at each other after a long day of working together on something, you can just tell they love each other, that's what I want.
- Mood:
calm - Music:Dance Hall Drug by Boys Like Girls
I want him to be mine forever. I want to be able to kiss him whenever I want, and I want him to hold me whenever he pleases. I want the whole world to know of the love I have for him.
I need him (it seems) more than I need air to live. I need to be with him, and to hear his voice and see his face. I need to be held in his arms. I feel like I would die with out him, even though I probably wouldn't. My heart would never be whole again because he'd be holding half of it.
I trust him. I trust him with my heart, which is a pretty big thing for me.
He's my world, my everything.
Hopes and Dreams:
One day I want to get married and have 2 kids. I want to live in a one story house with 3 bedrooms, including a guest bedroom. I want 3 full bathrooms. I want an underground pool and a jacuzzi. I want about a third of an acre for the whole yard. And a white porch all the way around the house. In the front I want to have red, yellow, purple and pink flowers. And in the back, I want to have 3 or 4 rose bushes and a couple of butterfly bushes with a bunch of trees. I want to have a porch swing under a big oak tree. And a playground for the kids. And, if it's not to much trouble, I want the backyard to over look a lake. I want to live in a state where there are actually four seasons, and in the winter it snows, and in the spring and summer everything blooms. But my biggest hope and my biggest dream is to marry the one I'm in love with now and stay in love with through everything. I want to grow old with him, I know that sounds creepy, but I can't see myself with anyone else but him.
- Mood: content
WHen all you
want to do is
cry, then you
know things
aren'ts going
right. But,
when you
want to cry
but don't
want to give
up you know
that what you
have is real,
and won't ever
end.
When you
fall, it's okay
to stay down.
As long as
you don't
expect to get
up to soon.
Life is
a puzzle,
and it's our
job to put
it together.
&&Because sometimes
your actions speak
louder than words.
Making me angry
could be permanently
damaging for you.
If you can
make me
smile, you can
have my heart.
Life life to
the fullest.
Life is to
precious
a gift
to waste.
When a
girl sighs
no matter
what anyone
thinks, she's
thinking about
him.
Someday he's
going to look
back and see
he not only
wanted her
but needed her.
(The) Past- Tears
- Friends
- (The)Future
Love is knowing
when to speak
and when to
listen.
To be in love
is the greatest
sacrafice of
one's self.
To fear is
to let
someone or
something
take control
of you.
Tell me
what you
think.
Paint me
a picture
of a beautiful
city, full of
beautiful
people, doing
beautiful
things.
Beauty is
only beautiful
after someone
thinks it's
beautiful.
&&Every time
I think of you
I can't help but
smile.
Love is the
most beautiful
thing in the
world, but
also the
most hurtful.
Courage- stepping
out of your
comfort zone to
do something you
wouldn't normally do.
"You don't know that,
and I don't know that." -Coach Garcia
- Mood: sore
- Music:Hey There Delilah by Plain White T's
Tomorrow is the fourth of July and I can't believe it. I'm really excited for all the fireworks even though I hate fire. (ha ha) I love the sound and the colors. I'm scared that my pyromaniac cousins are going to blow me up. But, hopefully I'll survive.
- Location:SD
- Mood: amused
It's 6:45 a.m. and I'm about to go visit my mom's side of the family. I'm not nervous because the last time I saw them I was 4 years old, I could barely read then, so they wont expect to much from me now. I'm thinking about the "new" or "familiar" I'm going to experience this up coming August and I'm scared. I'm more scared than I have ever been in my entire life. But what scares me most is how I'm going to handle to heart break of leaving everyone I love and care about here. I can barely stand being away from AJ for 2 weeks let alone be away from him forever. I guess forever really is alot shorter than I thought it was. I never asked anyone to promise me forever, but would 4 years hurt? Would 4 years of my life to make great friends and get involved somewhere be to much to ask for? I didn't think so, but apparently it was. I just don't understand how my older sister gets to graduate somewhere after being there from her 10th grade year to graduation, but I don't get to be somewhere form 9th grade year to graduation. It's just one more year. I don't get what they're so afraid of. Do they think that this whole moving thing is going to keep us together, because more than anything it's distancing me from them. They don't know me anymore, including my mom, who used to know everything about me.
Peace!
- Mood: hungry
Then, about a week ago I was talking to a girl I knew a while back who had put something about not ever being able to love as her status. I asked her why she couldn't love. And she said that she didn't believe love exsisted because she had been hurt to many times. I actually knew exactly where she was coming from. Like I said in my first post, I didn't think I could ever love. But I am, and I'm being loved back. (Which is awesome.) There are so many people who actually believe that falling in love is impossible. I didn't even realize it. It makes me sad to think that those people will go half their lives without finding love because they will eventually close themselves completely off from any kind of emotional attachment to anyone. It hurt me to think that at one time I was that kind of person. I'm thankful now, I'm thankful for the love I have in my heart. Not only have I experienced the first love/in love "love" but with that love I've seen the love for my family and friends as something more special that I realized. Love is beautiful and wonderful no matter who it's between. And no, I'm not saying that I support homosexuality, I'm talking about friendship and family and boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. They can all be amazing if you just realize that you care about those people.
People all around me say they don't
or can't believe in love because
they've been hurt to many times. That
used to be my excuse too, but
now I pity those people because
even though the journey to love is terribly
awful it is the most beautiful and rewarding
non-tangible thing in existence.
- Mood:
bouncy - Music:Held
way I can
let you down
is if you
depend on me.
He looked
at me
today. He
looked at
me like
he actually
knew my
name. Was
I so brave
as to let
my heart
blieve that
he actually
took the time
to find out
my name?
No, I
couldn't let
myself
even think
that. And
yet, when
our eyes
met, it
seemed as
though we
had told
all our life
secrets to
each other.
&&Sometimes
you have to
fall, in order
to learn to
catch yourself.
&&Sometimes
hurting is
easier than
being happy.
Don't forget
how to love.
&&Believe that
you can conquer
the world, and
you will.
&&Anything
you set your
mind to, you
can accomplish.
So, she sits
alone in her
dark corner
of the world
crying because
no one took
the time to
actually know
her.
Do'nt sleep.
Stay awak.
If you fall
asleep, you
might not
wake up.
Love her
like you
love those
trophies.
Stop staring,
your eyes
might fall
out.
Get over
yourself
for one
minute
so you
can see
who you
really are.
Take in everything
around you.
Be surprised my
nothing, and amazed
at everything.
Use the colors
of the rainbow
to describe
yourself.
Luck- a four
letter word
meaning
"reassurance."
Silence is
golden- until
someone gets
hurt by it.
Don't tell
me I'm
not pretty
enough, because
guess what?
You're just jealous!
Color my min
with your
thoughts&&ideas.
The butterflies
in my stomach
tell me the
story of my
heart.
&&Every single
one of my
thoughts are
of what would
happen if it
was me, instead
of her.
&&Behind this
smile are
thoughts of
him.
Every time
i see you
with her
I wonder
what could
have been
if I would have
tried harder.
&&Finally, everything
falls into place.
Putting me down
will only make
me want to get
up, that much
more.
Being an
"American"
has become
nothing more
than a right,
instead of a
way of life.
That door, yes, that
big black one with
the gate in front of
it. Behind that
door is a life
being lived. A life
being lived, even
if not being lived
to it's fullest, it's
still being lived.
There is always
that one guy
who will never
leave your heart,
no matter how
many times you
try to replace
him.
&&He's the
reason I
wake up
every morning
with a smile
on my face.
Stop running
from your
fears and problems,
because no matter
how far you go
or how fast
you run, they
will always
catch up.
&&Now every time
I see a heart
I don't imagine
it broken.
Love like you're never been hurt.
Laugh like no noe can hear you.
And live like there's no tomorrow, because
there are no guarentees in life.
I didn't know
what amazing
was until I
met you.
Every time I think
of you my whole
body shakes.
I see you and
I can barely stand
up. Everything
you are reminds
me of what I
though true love
was.
You make me
laugh when I don't
even want to smile.
And when I feel
like crying you tell
me everything will
be ok. And everytime
I hear you say that
I actually believe you,
because I see in
your eyes you actually
believe
yourself.
And so, here I
am, finally telling
you how I feel.
I love you.
And now that
you know,
next time you're
near me and I
stop breathing,
don't panick, it's
just because
I am near
you. That's all.
As soon as
you leave I'll
return back to
normal, and then
I'll miss you
like crazy, because
I'd rather die
from loss of air
than never see
you again.
You're the
reason I
can't eat
or sleep.
For once
in my life I
don't want
to sleep
because
reality if
finally
better than
my dreams.
Poetry- words with feelings.
Lets go back
to when all
we had to do
was say "Oh,
that's a pretty
picture." Instead
of "Well, I
like it because
it's sophisticated
yet simple."
In every story
there must be
love. Because
from love comes
hate, jealous
and passion.
And with
hate, jealousy
and passion
you can
create a
story worth
reading.
If you look
deep into
someones eyes
you will see
the story of
their life.
Louder isn't always better.
&&Everyday
she write the
story of how
much she
wants and
needs h im
on her pillow
with her tears.
&&Every
word out
of her mouth
is a testament
of her love
for him.
The human
race is like
a tree, we
just keep
growing and
growing.
&&The lyrics in
her heart tell
her not to give up.
Art is an
expression
of the
heart and
sould. Writing
is an
expression of
the heart
and mind.
Speech
involved none
of these,
we just say
whatever the
heck we want.
And most of
the time,
anything we
say has not
taken any
though,
has no sould,
and lacks
feeling that
only ones
heart can
prepare.
Brothers- because
the guys who
hurt us need to
be beat up.
I walk in the rain
because no one
see me crying.
I cry because
of the confusion
I feel. Does
he like me?
Does she hate
me? Qusetions like
these flood my
mind as I lie
awake in a
thunderstorm. The thunder
drounds out my
cries for help.
I cry out
in the storm
for someone to
help me out
of this eternal
darkness I'm in.
it seems no
one hears me,
so I stay
here in my
dark corner of
the world. It
starts to grow
cold, I feel
sleepy. And then,
I see a bright
light. And I
feel the warmth
of life and
I know I'm
alive, though I've
died. And the
sad thing is,
death seems to
be the sweetest
feeling I've ever
felt. Life was
colder than death.
There is no
one here with
me. No one
to walk me
through. But I
am not afraid.
Being alive, with
people all around
me I was
afriad. Always afraid
of who was
talking about me
and what they
were saying. That
is why I
sat and cried
away my life.
As I look
down from this
warm darkness I
see how much
I was really
loved. And I
cry. I cry
so long and
hard even the
clouds cry. And
their tears shower
all that is
old and make
it new. And
as I look,
I see another
girl, a girl
like me, walking
in the rain.
As I look
closer I see
she is crying.
I long to hold
her, as I wished
someone had held
me. And I
cry some more
and it rains
through the night.
In the morning
I look for
the girl who
was crying in
the rain. I
don't see her
at first and
I search all
day. That night
as I start
to give up
I hear a
faint cry for
help. As it
grows louder I
realize it's the
girl. The girl
who was going
through the same
motions I went
through. I could
only guess by
morning she would
feel the warmth
of this unexplainable
darkness. And maybe
I will be
able to meet
her. Or maybe
she will have
her own darkness.
And she will
cry her own
tears, and find
another girl who
is going through
the same thing
we went through.
And maybe she
will find out
how to comfort
those girls so
they don't have
to experience this
darkness and they
can experience the
light I heard
so much about
while I was
alive. And if
those girls do
make it to
the light, I
hope they can
tell me about
it. And then
I realize that
is the first
time I've ever
hoped. And I
see light in
this darkness. I
walk towards it
and find myself
even warmer than
before and then,
I wake up.
- Mood:
anxious - Music:Amazing Love -Chris Tomlin
Looking back at something like that, I can't believe how my goals can change from December to now. The goal at the top of the list was "Go to Italy." Now, I have no interest in Italy. I would much rather visit a state I haven't driven through or haven't lived in. Or maybe take a random trip across the boreder to Canada, or something like that. But others, like the second one, I still want to happen. I am going to make a list of goals that I want to happen in my lifetime, or at least the ones I can think of right off the top of my head:
1. Write and publish a poem that will be remembered for centuries after I'm gone.
2. Live in New York for at least a year, just so I can try and publish some of my work.
3. Create a book out of my poems and photography.
4. Be able to afford a good camera for photography.
5. Create a shape.
6. Name a city.
7. Have a star named after me.
8. Design a shoe.
9. Get married.
10. Fall in love, over and over with the person I marry.
11. Be a good mom.
12. Have a successful career.
13. Get over trying to please my parents.
14. Write a song.
15. Write a poem that actually rhymes.
16. Stop being afraid of what people will think of what I write.
17. Make a coloring book.
18. Read the dictionary all the way through.
19. Read the bible all the way through.
20. Re-learn how to play the piano.
I guess that's good for now.
- Mood:creative
- Music:Tell Her -Lonestar
How can you
lose someone's
trust if you're
trying to gain
their respect?
Respect- a
seven letter word
that only means one
thing, "I have
a gun, respect
me, or I'll
kill you."
Trust is the strongest
thing in the world,
but also the most
breakable.
Everytime a
door opends a
wall is broken.
And every time
a wall is broken,
all the secrets it
holds, all the scrange
looks, all the conversations,
and all the things done,
inside this broken
wall, are all spilled
out into the wind,
to be shared with
the world, all you
have to do is listen.
Love is the enemy.
Hate is the weapon.
And anywhere in
between is a death
trap.
&&Every minute
you spend thinking
of him is a minute
you spend hating
yourself.
If she said she
loved you what would
you say? Would
you feel obligated
to say it back?
Or would you
really show her
you do? Do
you even love
her? Because
she loves you
more than
anything in the
entired world.
Eventually the
love in her heart
will come out in
a form you wont
want to know
about. She will
write her love for
you on her
wrists. She will
proclaim everything
she ever felt for
and about you
through the only
way she knows
how, in a form
seen in society
as unacceptable.
And then, when
she can't show
you how much
she loves you,
you're going to
miss her. So
ask yourself,
for her, do
you love her,
or not?
Leave an unforgettable
impression. one that
will last a lifetime.
&&Three seconds
of every girls
thoughts are if
what she wants
to say will make
you happy.
Stop hurting me
with your words,
lies and looks.
Because one day,
those looks, lies
and words will
come back to
haunt you.
To love you must laugh.
To live you must love.
To laugh you must live.
Lets love like
penguins love,
once for the
rest of our lives.
I'm sorry I mess up.
I'm sorry I can't be
prefect. I'm sorry I
am a mess sometimes.
I'm sorry my family
is my number one
priority, and you're not.
I'm sorry we don't see
eye to eye on everything.
I'm sorry I wont give
you just anything at
just any time. But
most of all, I'm sorry
you wouldn't get over
yourself for one
minute to see past
all that, because
you're the one who's
missing out on the
best thing that couldn't
happened to you.
Open your mind,
heart and wings.
Glide ont he winds
of knowledge, love
and freedom.
Let the little
silver bells
ring, clean
as chrystal.
Let the people
know that it's
Christmas,
Christ's birthday.
It's not the
"Holiday Season,"
it's the "CHRISTmas Season."
I saw you
today. I saw
you with her.
Yout looked so
happy, and she
looked content.
And as I
looked on at
you looking
at her looking
back at you,
I remember
every single
word you ever
said to me. And
I always will.
Frowning
inwardly because
those eyes, lips, hands
and words belong to
someone else.
&&Sometimes
you have to
leave all that is
familiar in order
to see what you
really want.
To be lonely
you must first
miss someone.
Give me love!
"For fear of being
hated I will now
shut-up." -Hannah <3
Life is an adventure,
so share it with
someone.
It's okay to
get mad as
long as you
know how to
control your
anger.
Depression is
just a ten
letter word for
self-distruction.
Gossip-Jealousy
-Lies
-Hurt
Penguins
mate for
life, I hope
I find my
penguin.
When you're
with me,
anything's
possible.
Love lasts a
lifetime, faith
lasts forever.
A girl sits
still waiting
for something
to happen.
Something to
get her life
out of the
slow motion
it's been in
for what seems
like an
eternity. To
get out she
must let go.
She must let
go of everything
she loved.
Everyone she
ever loved, she
must let them
go. For her
world to be
rebuilt, it must
first be destroyed.
Once her world
is destroyed
she will rebuild
it on her own.
No interference
of anyone
trying to make
her world their
world.
So here she
sits, again,
thinking about
where she started
and where she
is now.
&&True heroes
don't come and
go, they stay
with you
forever.
Perfection is a
10 letter word
for Jesus.
Fear is a four
letter word
for regret.
Be your own
superhero, the
others are all
animated.
Hard work never
hurt anybody,
except maybe
me!
Diamonds can
only be a
girls best friend
'till they lose
their sparkle and
shine.
Lets be best
friends forever,
or just until
we stop talking
and lose complete
communication.
Lets be best
friends and
share all our
secrets,
giggles,
and tears of
every day life.
- Mood: curious
- Music:Beautiful Disaster
I have begun to hate those sentences that start off with "you know you're in love when...." They make me think that someone is trying to characterize love and that, to me, is completely impossible. I think that love is different for everyone. Something like "You know you're in love when you can't get that one person off your mind." Well, sometimes I can't get my little brother off my mind because I'm worried he's going to do something stupid somewhere, but that doesn't mean I'm in love with him. It just means that I care about him. For me, being in love shouldn't have to be characterized. It should just be something you feel. It should be something you're comfortable with, and even though I don't always talk about AJ or act like I "want" him, I think about him all the time and I actually don't just want him, I need him. I hate going to bed without talking to him, and even if I don't get to talk to him directly, I almost always send him a message telling him I miss him and telling him how much I love him. (Or try to tell him how much I love him)
It's crazy, because I wont be able to see him for two weeks, and I honestly didn't think I would miss him after only three days of not seeing him. I can usually go about 4 or so until I really start to miss him, but I guess the knowledge of me not being able to see him for two weeks, 14 days, is driving me crazy. I didn't realize I missed him until after I hung up the phone tonight and my stomach started hurting again (it was hurting earlier), and I was like "Whoa, that's crazy! I miss him so much that my stomach hurts." I almost started crying. I didn't think it would get this bad this soon. I'm scared of how it's going to affect me later on in the time period. I guess we'll just have to see.
Me and one of my best friends was talking earlier and she asked me "Don't you think love is amazing?" and I said, "Yes, it's breathtaking. Sometimes, when I think about him I can't breath and I get this smile on my face that doesn't go away for like 2 minutes." Love really is like that, or at least the love I'm in. It's wonderful and amazing, and I don't ever want to lose this. I don't think I'll ever be able to find another person to love like I love him. It's that kind of love that is indescribable. The kind of love that you use the stupid icon that says "Explaining why I love you is like explaining what water tastes like, impossible." The only word that comes to mind is amazing, but it's so much more than just amazing. There aren't any more words to descirbe it.
- Music:Bubbly- Colby Caillat
&&Because 25
percent of every
girls day is spent
thinking about
whether or not he
is thinking about
her too.
&&And you're the
reason I draw those
silly little hearts all
over my papers.
&&He didn't know
what he had until
she was gone.
Red is for love.
Blue is for spirit.
Green is for peace.
Yellow is for sunshine.
Purple is for the unknown.
Pink is for the millions of hearts crushed everyday.
&&Black is for the grief.
Months, weeks and days.
Because we couldn't
take anything all at
once.
True talent knows
the difference between
love and lust.
Forever is a lot
shorter than it
used to be.
Behind every "lol,”
there is some kind
of sarcasm.
Lord:
Give me the wisdom to know the difference between right and wrong with no grey areas.
Help me to be humble and to accept where I am in life as a high position, high because you put me here.
Help me not to judge or look down on others because they are different. Allow me to see them the way you see them.
Thank you for giving me such an open and willing spirit. But please, open my mind and heart to hear you.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Amen!
&&Some days I
want to find my
super hero. And
other days I
just want to be
my own super
hero.
&&Fear is only
an obstacle if
you let it be.
If you love me,
then show me.
If you want me,
then tell me.
Smile, because
you never know
who's falling in
love with your
smile.
You give me wings
to fly away from
all my nightmares.
Color is just color
it shouldn't matter.
High school, the only
time in a girl’s life
when she gets away
with crying for now
apparent reason.
Dialogue:
-Girl: it sucks to be single.
-Boy (under his breath): Yeah, well you screwed that one up.
-Girl (softly): I know.
(The boy looks at her with surprise as he watches the tears start to run down her face.)
-Girl and boy (in unison): I'm sorry.
-Girl: You are? For what? You didn't do anything.
-Boy: Yes I did.
-Girl (in a worried voice): What?
-Boy (softly): I treated you badly on purpose so...
-(Girl cuts in): You did what? Why? How could you...
-Boy: Let me finish! I did it so you would break up with me, so I couldn't have to break up with you.
-Girl (in tears): Why would you have to break up with me? You said you loved me.
-Boy: I do love you. But, you're too good for me. I could never give you what you deserve!
-Girl: So you hurt me instead. I don't understand. You were going to be my first everything. My first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first "time." Didn't you want that too?
-Boy: Of course I did.
-Girl: So, then why did you do it? Why didn' t you just come out and say all of this? Do you know what kind of pain and depression you put me through? I cried every night for six months straight. Do you know how horrible it felt not to have you anymore? And to feel like it was all your fault?
-Boy (almost in tears): Yes. Yes to all of that. Do you know how many countless times I've wanted to come up behind you, hold you in my arms for a second, spin you around and kiss you? You were my world, but then all the fears and doubts of the future and success started setting in, and I got scared. I was scared you'd move on to someone better. So, I decided to let you go free, and make it easier for both of us.
-Girl: You were everything I ever wanted. Sure, you had some things we needed to work on, but everyone does. I love you more than anything in this entire world. I just wish that you had told me all of this before.
-Boy: Me too. I’m so, so, so sorry! You can't even imagine how long I've waited for this conversation.
-Girl (falling into his arms, whispers): Oh, yes, yes I can.
Every day I see him
I see him every day,
sitting right next to
me. He is so close but
so far away.
His eyes are so perfect.
I wish they looked at
me the same way they
used to. When our eyes
meet, he looks away,
as if he's scare to
see something he
doesn't want to see or
feel something he
doesn't want to feel.
Every day I see him
and his perfect eyes.
His smile makes me
smile when all I
want to do is cry. His
laugh makes me laugh,
even if it is at myself.
Every day I see him, with
his perfect eyes and
amazing smile.
When he touches me,
I feel as though angels
are flying around in
my heart. I never want
him to stop.
And every day I see
him with his perfect
eyes, amazing smile,
and the touch of an
angel.
And every day when I
see him, I wonder
how we got so distant.
Every day I sit right
next to him where I've sat
for the past two months
and I feel as if I don't
even know him.
Every day I see the
hurt I've caused him,
in his eyes. And behind
that beautiful smile, I
know there's rage and
anger. And in that
touch of an angel, I feel
the force it's taking him
not to hurt me.
And every day I smile
and say to him "Everything's
all right." And with a
look, I told him "I know
I made the right choice."
But, behind those words
and that look is a heart
screaming out in the worst
kind of pain. I want to look
him in the eye
and say, "I love you, and I
know I screwed up!
Please forgive me!" But, I'm
too afraid it would push
him farther away. And
if he were any farther,
I couldn't get through every
day seeing his perfect eyes,
amazing smile and feeling
that touch that feels like an angel.
Stuffed animals- When
a girl doesn't need to
be saved from anything
but herself.
Bubbles are to
remind us of
the good
time we had as
kids just chasing
them because they
looked cool instead
of looking for a
hidden meaning in
them.
&&Before the
name brand
clothes and the
fancy hair
ribbons, we
used to be
friends.
&&"Once upon a
time's..." don't
exist.
Hearts are for losers,
so I guess I'm a
loser.
Unbroken hearts
are fare to find
in girls ages
twelve and up.
You never know
the meaning of
true love until
you have the
biggest fight
ever and instead
of making out to
make up you
hug and say
you're sorry and
watch each other’s
favorite movie.
Happiness is
a rare thing
to find. That's
why they
invented
chocolate.
Day dreaming
is a girl’s favorite
reality,
because that is
the only world
she can control.
You create your
own reality. Just
make sure, when
you're drawing
out the map
you leave out
de-Nile.
Friends and smile
go together like
peanut butter
and jelly.
Friends stab
you in the
back. Best
friends stab
you in the
back and
then pull
the knife
back out.
The only magic
we have is the
love in our hearts.
I hate the way
you make me
smile with
just one look.
And I hate the
way you make
me laugh when
if hurts to smile.
I hate the way
that, with just
one look, you
make my heart
skip a beat.
And I hate the
way that, when
you say my name,
I get butterflies
in my stomach.
But, most of
all, I hate the
way I can't hate
you, no matter
how hard I try.
Love- an emotion
- a feeling.
- A commitment.
P- Pestering
E- Everyone
A- Around
C- Central
E-
Knowledge- having
the willingness to
forget everything you
know, to learn everything
you though you knew.
Super heroes are
hard to find, but
if you look deep
enough, inside
yourself, you
might just find
one.
If you say,
"You're one in
a million."
That is a false
statement. Out
of the six billion
people, there are
6,000 "one in a million's."
- Mood: amused
I never thought I would be able to fall in love. I thought I was always going to be to scared. I always thought I was going to be to scared to open my heart and let someone in. I didn't think I would be able to let someone "know" me. The reason I was scared to love or be loved was because I have moved 11 times in the past 16 years. I didn't think I would be able to handle the heart break. Actually, I knew I wouldn't be able to. So, I only crushed and flirted alot. I had actually lead a few people on, just because I wanted to have fun. Then, one day, I met this amazing guy. The guy who changed all of that for me, AJ, Anthony Jame. I met him one day at lunch. He came in from where he usually sat, outside with a bunch of freshman, and sat at my table. The only reason I talked to him was because I thought he was cute and he was someone new. I wasn't even going to entertain the idea of liking him. I was just really bored. Well, he started sitting at my table, everyday. And then we started talking on the computer. On Thanksgiving day he told me that he liked me. I hadn't ever thought about him that way, before then. But I wanted to see where it could go, so I told him I liked him too. We kept talking, and then one day he told me that he thought we should just be friends. A couple days later I found out why he said that, it was because he had a girlfriend. I was so devastated. Not because I had never been turned down before, but because I had actually grown attached to him that quickly without even realizing it. So, I said ok. Well, he didn't break up with her until a couple days before he asked me out. We then continued talking and Sunday January 27 he asked me out. I said yes, of course, and we started dating. It started off really awkward because he was used to dating older girls who took the lead and really did everything in the relationship. I told him a couple times that I didn't do that, that I let the guy do everything first. We finally held hands after like a month. And every time he reached for my hand I got butterflies, I still do. Then a little while later he asked why I wouldn't kiss him and I told him I wasn't ready yet, which now seems odd because I had already had my first kiss. So, he waited, I couldn't believe it, but he did. He waited for over two months. Finally, on April 1 I kissed him. I had gone to his house after school to hang out and right before I left he asked me for a hug and a kiss and I said ok, so we kissed. After the kiss I got light headed and almost fell down his steps. I was scared he noticed and didn't tell him that story until yesterday. Well, then I realized I was in love with him about a week and a half later. I didn't want to be because I was scared. So, on April 19 I broke up with him. We stayed broken up for two and a half weeks, and every night in those two and a half weeks I cried myself to sleep. After the first week I knew I not only wanted him back, but I needed him. My heart had been broken, but not like that. So, on May 6, I talked to him, and apologized and asked if maybe he could give me a second chance, he said yes. And then on May 7, he asked me back out. I was so happy. I couldn't believe it. But even after all of that I still had my doubts about if I was really in love with him or not. A little bit after we got back together my little brother and little sister decided to move to where my dad was. And so the idea of moving came into the picture. I told my parents I was happy where I was and that I didn't want to move, and they seemed pretty ok with it. Then the Saturday after school was out, my mom came into my room and woke me up and told me that she was going to make me move. She, of course, didn't use those exact words, she told me that it would be best and that it really actually depended on alot of stuff. Then, a couple days later, she told me that I should just move. Well, of course I had to tell AJ. So he came with one of my best friends, Kelly, to swim out at the Country Club one day and I told him. I wasn't going to until the end of the day because I didn't want to ruin anything, but he could tell something was wrong and so I told him. Then the next day I told him I wanted to make this the best summer ever and he told me that he would help. Then a couple days later I told him that it would be ok if he wanted to break up with me before I moved. And he told me that he couldn't, that he was to in love with me. That was probably the best thing he could have said. But, I almost wish he had broke up with me. That way he could have met someone during the summer he could have dated during the school year. I don't bring it up anymore because he always gets upset about it when I do. We just started talking on the phone, like two weeks ago. I love having his voice be the last one I hear before I go to bed. It makes me feel happy and loved.
I'm not sure what is going to happen after this summer, all I know is that I want to stay friends with him as long as I possibly can. And I hope and pray that it's God's will that we can work out. I know I'm only 16 but I really feel like this is true love. And yeah, it's really sad that I have to leave him and all, but I believe that if it's God's will that we're together, it will all work out.
- Mood: content
- Music:Realize- Colby Caillat
